Short Personal Update On New Job And What Drugs I’m Doing Today

I start my new job on Monday. I’ll be getting a few months of training, then if I can successfully challenge and pass the apprenticeship exam, I’ll be starting out as a 2nd year apprentice automotive technician at a dealership. I’m a bit terrified about the whole thing. It’s going to be a lot harder work than I’ve been doing, earlier mornings, longer days and less dollars per hour to start. Overall income will probably be the same but I’ll be putting in a lot more hours to get it.

I still don’t feel 100%, and I can’t remember the last time I did. Most normal people have to be at work early in the morning, and seem to manage, but I’m concerned about having to be at work for 8am and actually working a full 8 hour day. Maybe I’m just innately lazy? I had an early morning paper route when I was young (12-17yrs old maybe?), and most of my work experience before self employment involved getting to work by 6am. I was usually hungover or still drunk in that part of the day too, I don’t know how I did it.

I just don’t remember how I felt 10 years ago, but I don’t think I’ve recovered from something yet. I’m down to 4mg of suboxone now, and tapering that has messed with my life for sure. Being on it at higher doses has a definite impact also though, and I don’t know where I’m better off. I’m equally as excited to get off it for good as I am terrified what will happen without it.

I get a handful of 4mg dilaudid (hydromorphone, instant release) every month from a friend, and it’s been interesting to track the changes in how I react to it. I was worried that my tolerance would be forever fucked after the suboxone. As it turns out, this is not going to be the case, it’s actually been dropping exponentially. A few months ago when I had just dropped to 6mg suboxone, I was shooting 12mg of dilaudid and getting a mild buzz off it. I’ve put the needles away and gone back to plugging (hopefully I can make that stick), and now a single 4mg in the ass gives me a buzz.

Here is the kicker though, I don’t like the feeling. I never loved opiates the way some people seem to, I wouldn’t describe them as euphoric necessarily, but now they make me feel gross. When I became addicted, I did like the feeling and don’t recall this shittiness, but it was more about the feelings it stopped than the feelings it gave me. This is not to say I don’t still feel the compulsion to use them, but there are some here most of the time and I don’t fiend them like I do zopiclone. It’s bittersweet. I hope, like getting away from needles, it is something that I can keep up. I’d also say to anyone who is struggling to quit, sometimes it needs to be the right time, and then it will happen. Not to say that effort and the will to do it isn’t a factor, but anytime I’ve accomplished something like this, it was much easier when the time came.

I’m out of zopiclone, and that sucks. I got myself back on the dark web and ordered some, but they can’t come soon enough. I do get them prescribed, but I’m a month away from being able to get more from my doctor. I love these things so much, it’s a bit sad. I wanted to spring for the zolpidem, but they were almost four times the price. I believe those are the ones that are the isomer that you can IV, I’d be curious to try. Anyone else out there like the zopiclones? I’d love to hear your experiences. Maybe there’s some other odd drug you like a little too much?

4 Replies to “Short Personal Update On New Job And What Drugs I’m Doing Today”

  1. Hey, How can I get ahold of you personally? Since you run the site can you just email me at the email i used to submit this comment? People are reading. I am in need of some advice….

    1. Whenever I see someone plugging a YouTube video in my comments, I generally assume it to be spam. Judging by your username, can I assume that the YouTube channel is yours? I took the time to check this video, and based on the description of being 23 minutes, I assumed it was actually this video you meant to refer to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bwZcPwlRRcc, on the same channel. The link in the comment is to a longer video that I haven’t watched yet. The 23 minute video on “neuroscience 101”, I did watch.
      I’m not a doctor or neuroscientist, but as a fairly well informed addict under MAT treatment, I essentially endorse the message as presented; with one possible exception, or caveat. There’s some specific talk of dopamine levels in nanograms per deciletre, and what constitutes “normal”. I would like to see more information on what is “normal”, and if addicts might have a lower than average presence of dopamine to begin with? I very deliberately sought out drugs as a solution to what might be described as anhedonia. For as long as I can recall, going back to early childhood memories, happiness and motivation were desperate struggles. When I hit my mid 30s, after exhausting traditional medical and cognitive therapies, I started researching illicit drugs. My first experience was with MDMA, which revealed that my brain was capable of certain feelings. Eventually fell into an affinity for cocaine and an opioid dependency.
      I’ve been on buprenorphine (suboxone) treatment for almost 2 years. I started at 2mg (I tapered myself down from using ~2mg fentanyl daily, to about 4mg hydromorphone daily, and couldn’t go lower on my own) which satiated my withdrawal symptoms, but I still suffered from the same depression and lack of motivation that I’ve known my whole life. My doctor suggested increasing my buprenorphine dose, promising I’d hit a level where I’d feel normal and lose the desire to abuse. Increases in dose provided very short periods of relief, but after hitting 16mg, I realized that I had a baseline problem that wouldn’t be solved by more opioids. I’m now tapered down to 3.5mg of buprenorphine, and starting to feel the normal I’ve always known. Most unpleasant. I wish I could measure my own dopamine levels so that I could know whether I’m just chronically deficient in dopamine, or there is another underlying issue.
      I’m also on Levadopa, and previously Mirapex to treat significant restless leg problems that have plagued me since my 20s. I wonder if there might be some relation between this problem, dopamine levels, and my susceptibility to opioid addiction.
      Thanks for taking the time to comment. Whether it was spam or not, I may never know, but it was worth watching.

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