I start my new job on Monday. I’ll be getting a few months of training, then if I can successfully challenge and pass the apprenticeship exam, I’ll be starting out as a 2nd year apprentice automotive technician at a dealership. I’m a bit terrified about the whole thing. It’s going to be a lot harder work than I’ve been doing, earlier mornings, longer days and less dollars per hour to start. Overall income will probably be the same but I’ll be putting in a lot more hours to get it.
I still don’t feel 100%, and I can’t remember the last time I did. Most normal people have to be at work early in the morning, and seem to manage, but I’m concerned about having to be at work for 8am and actually working a full 8 hour day. Maybe I’m just innately lazy? I had an early morning paper route when I was young (12-17yrs old maybe?), and most of my work experience before self employment involved getting to work by 6am. I was usually hungover or still drunk in that part of the day too, I don’t know how I did it.
I just don’t remember how I felt 10 years ago, but I don’t think I’ve recovered from something yet. I’m down to 4mg of suboxone now, and tapering that has messed with my life for sure. Being on it at higher doses has a definite impact also though, and I don’t know where I’m better off. I’m equally as excited to get off it for good as I am terrified what will happen without it.
I get a handful of 4mg dilaudid (hydromorphone, instant release) every month from a friend, and it’s been interesting to track the changes in how I react to it. I was worried that my tolerance would be forever fucked after the suboxone. As it turns out, this is not going to be the case, it’s actually been dropping exponentially. A few months ago when I had just dropped to 6mg suboxone, I was shooting 12mg of dilaudid and getting a mild buzz off it. I’ve put the needles away and gone back to plugging (hopefully I can make that stick), and now a single 4mg in the ass gives me a buzz.
Here is the kicker though, I don’t like the feeling. I never loved opiates the way some people seem to, I wouldn’t describe them as euphoric necessarily, but now they make me feel gross. When I became addicted, I did like the feeling and don’t recall this shittiness, but it was more about the feelings it stopped than the feelings it gave me. This is not to say I don’t still feel the compulsion to use them, but there are some here most of the time and I don’t fiend them like I do zopiclone. It’s bittersweet. I hope, like getting away from needles, it is something that I can keep up. I’d also say to anyone who is struggling to quit, sometimes it needs to be the right time, and then it will happen. Not to say that effort and the will to do it isn’t a factor, but anytime I’ve accomplished something like this, it was much easier when the time came.
I’m out of zopiclone, and that sucks. I got myself back on the dark web and ordered some, but they can’t come soon enough. I do get them prescribed, but I’m a month away from being able to get more from my doctor. I love these things so much, it’s a bit sad. I wanted to spring for the zolpidem, but they were almost four times the price. I believe those are the ones that are the isomer that you can IV, I’d be curious to try. Anyone else out there like the zopiclones? I’d love to hear your experiences. Maybe there’s some other odd drug you like a little too much?